That Ashanti! She’s so selfless. Look at how she sacrifices herself so that we might all learn an important fashion lesson.
When the subject stands still, everything is fine. Sure, it looks like she stapled a drape to a figure-skating costume, and either there is an optical illusion causing me to think I can see her underwear, or I actually CAN see her underwear. But aside from all the confused frowning I’m doing in the direction of her crotch, she’s not in danger of directing our ship into the Bermuda Triangle.
Unfortunately, the subject had to move.
Not so fun now, huh? And yet EVERY time Ashanti moved, she either did this or picked up the skirt and balled it up in her fists — you know, just in case we thought she’d forgotten to pack her crotch. It’s like the front-view version of dropping your car keys in front of a group of hot dudes and then taking ten minutes to bend over and pick them up again. I’m sure the press room was like, “Extra, Extra, INDEED.” She might as well have torn the bottom off, twirled it over her head, and spent the rest of the night doing cartwheels across the stage just so the entire room got the same eyeful.
Clearly, the lesson here is that whenever you find yourself at a major event wearing a skirt that looks like a broken dressing-room curtain, do not panic. And most importantly, do not walk. Instead, simply pay someone to strap you to a dolly and wheel you around all night. You won’t have to worry about flashing anyone AND you don’t have to be able to walk in your heels. It’s the perfect solution, and we have brave Ashanti to thank. Her upper thighs were not waxed in vain.