Author Archives: Jessica

Well Played, Keri Russell in The Row and Belstaff


Have you been become recently concerned that perhaps Keri Russell was no longer walking around looking awesome in stuff? Annoyingly effortless in items other people (me) would immediately spill her coffee all over? Well-coiffed?

Don’t worry. Everything is absolutely as it should be. Order reigns in the universe. (And those of you who love those shoes she always wears are now aware that they also come in brown.)

[Photo: Getty]

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Fug or Fab: Maggie Gyllenhaal


I’ve been spending so long trying to figure out what’s happening at the front of Maggie’s dress — I think it’s seaming, although it kind of looks like there’s a flap over her abdomen (in case you REALLY need to scratch your stomach? Sure) — that I barely even noticed Peter Saaaarrrrrrsgaaaaaard’s shirt has drawings all over it. Maybe he got VERY bored in the taxi on the way over:

I am on record as being lukewarm on this length of dress: it’s not QUITE a maxi, but it doesn’t have the balls to be full-on tea-length. Instead, it’s kind of just chilling in limbo, all awkwardly flirting with her ankles but not making a real move. Taking a shine to her calves, but not having the balls to actually go there. It’s frustrating. COMMIT, SKIRT. But leaving this dress’s clear personal and emotional issues aside, I think it kind of works. I approve. YOU’RE WELCOME, MAGGIE.

What do you think? Please take to the comments and commit.

[Photo: Getty]

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Recent Fugs and Fabs: Jessie J


Let’s check in with one of our Wacky Fug Favorites, shall we?

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

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Fugs or Fabs: Allure’s Summer Covers


I always forget that Allure is a primarily beauty-focused magazine until I actually look at its covers. (Full confession: I actually always really like¬†Allure. It’s always got a good tidbit about, like, the best way to write a thank note and also something interesting about volumizers, both of which are topics in which I have great interest). Some of these covers are more ALLURING than others, though. SEE WHAT I DID THERE? No one’s ever made that crack before.

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Letter of Truth: I Hate Math


Hey y’all!

So, it’s been like kajillion years since we talked and do you know why that is? It’s because I never leave the house anymore and when I do, I look just like any old normal lady person who’s going out to the Home Depot and then to California Pizza Kitchen for half a BBQ Chicken Chopped Salad, just like any other normal lady person who sometimes trips over her giant wedges and then has to be helped into the Costco and so now she’s not wearing them for a little while because her doctor said something-something arthroscopic something.

See?

THIS IS THE PERSON I WAS ALWAYS MEANT TO BE Y’ALL. Pleather catsuits are exhausting. Oh right also I’m never out anymore because I guess I have that show in Vegas and it’s keeping me busy but what’s ACTUALLY keeping me busy in Vegas are three things: the slots, and also they have a Serendipity there now and I’m really busy trying to find it (I only know it’s there because I saw it on an episode of Food Network Star and also there was an ad in the LAS VEGAS MAGAZINE that’s in my dressing room).

You know who else hasn’t left the house lately? JESSICA BIEL I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.

But anyway the whole reason I popped up today is because according to “sources” (the photographers who were with me today) some lady just walked up to me and GAVE ME THIS NICE RUG and I thought you should know that you’re still living in a world where strangers give former teen superstars really nice rugs just out of the goodness of their hearts. Not everything is as terrible as you think it is. Also, I wanted you to see that I look cute with this short haircut and actually I ALSO look better in sunglasses.

Maybe I’ll talk to you later. Am I on X-Files again this season? I kind of hope not. None of those people could sing and Demi Moore kept dipping the end of her extensions in my Diet Coke.

BYE!

Britney!

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Mostly Well-Played Omnibus: Miranda Kerr


It’s OFFICIALLY the Summer Doldrums for those of us in the Celeb-Watching Business. For example, just last week one of our photo services had paparazzi snaps of Kim Jong Un. Yeah, I…don’t even know. Thank God models are still walking out of their apartments looking well-styled, or who knows what we’d have to talk about and that would be very sad indeed. While I’m basically neutral on Miranda Kerr (#NODISRESPECTTOMIRANDAKERR, I’m just not someone who gets THAT into models), I had to admit, most of these are pretty hard to find fault with.

[Photos: AKM/GSI, Fame/Flynet]

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