Author Archives: Heather

Reasonably Played: Jada Pinkett Smith


It’s not that Jada doesn’t look perfectly fine, because she does.

jada pinkett smith magic mike xxl

But she HAS to be wondering why, at a Magic Mike XXL event for which her escorts are dressing themselves up only in your love, she herself is garbed like she’s in the Catskills in the 1950s, about to learn the mambo from a brooding bad boy who knows where all the best fallen-log balance beams are in the woods. It’s just a little discordant. Having said that, if Nerdy Neil had asked THOSE guys to perform the season’s final dance of the pachanga, I think at least two of them would’ve done it. Just a gut feeling.

[Photo: Getty]

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Nicki Minaj on Cosmopolitan, July 2015


We’ve got some other foreign Cosmo covers in here, too, but really this is all about La Minaj. I can’t really remember what her deal is now; she seemed to be trying to act for a while, and she stopped dressing like a clearance aisle in Toys R Us, but I’ve lost track of what the replacement messaging is. Maybe it’s just “confident.” I can get with that.

[Photos: Cosmo]

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Fuggers In The Attic: Kiernan Shipka


Gird yourselves, my friends. Remember when she thought she was wearing a bib?

kiernan shipka

Now she’s wearing a breastplate and matching Western kerchief. Yes, IT’S A BIBDANNA. And it’s after all of our souls. Make no mistake, that thing is not playing by any rules. It would draw its weapon early in a duel as soon as look at you. BE VIGILANT.

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

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Wellish Played, Jessica Chastain


It’s been a slow week, and as we cruise into the end of June, the Fourth of July, the dark depths of midsummer… pickings are going to get slim. And I think Jessica Chastain sympathizes a little. (Just a little.)

jessica chastain vogue wimbledon

“Here,” she seems to be saying. “Here. Take it. I am out of the house, I am clean, I am in front of a camera. You can talk about my lipstick. You can talk about whether my shoes are too hoof-y or boring. You can speculate on whether I am secretly braceleted. You can even talk about whether this is a dress, or a shirt and skirt, and further, whether the top might actually be navy or Heather’s eyes are just deranged and desperate. I have done my part. I’m sorry it’s not crazier, but just be glad I’m here at all. Bloggers can’t be choosers. Now if you’ll excuse me, this is a Vogue/Wimbledon event, and I need to go ask Anna about how Roger Federer smells.”

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Fug Breakers: Selena Gomez


I have no idea why Selena Gomez is wearing her bathing suit with messy old laundry day pants (unless that actually answers my question).

selena gomez

But I am certain that, somewhere, David Hasselhoff and Pam Anderson just felt a tremor in the force.

[Photo: Getty]

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Fug and Fab the Cover: Elle Magazine July 2015


Oh, Elle. You had me at “RIGGINS IS BACK,” even if isn’t true the way I want it to be.

[Photos: Elle]

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