Aubrey O’Fug

In the scheme of things, I’ll admit this isn’t the worst of all the garments into which Aubrey O’Day has stuffed herself.

But I can’t look at it without feeling suspicious that the last time I played The Sims, I bought this rug for my caddish French brothers Jacques and Croque Monsieur and put it right by the pinball machine and the big-screen TV, the better to try and steal the mysterious Bella Goth away from her oddly disinterested husband Mortimer. It probably had a description like, “For the totally undiscerning man who wants his decor to say, ‘I am desperate. For YOU. Or anyone.’” And when Croque led Bella over to the rug and tried to lay a handsy hug on her, I believe she shook her head violently, conjured a thought-bubble full of an airplane and a typewriter and a giant red X or something, and made the same noise a real human would make while chewing a mouthful of tripe. In other words, the rug Croque-blocked him. I can’t decide if seeing it on Aubrey means my poor tragique Sim has a soulmate after all, or that she shops at a store for the totally undiscerning woman — or both — but I’m pretty sure that wherever Bella Goth is, she’s having some SERIOUS red-X-typewriter-airplane flashbacks right now.