Ask Aunt Fugly


Aunt Fugly is the just-now-resurrected GFY agony aunt — kind of like Dear Abby, but less predictable, and often, less helpful. Periodically, as their busy spa and Twitter schedules allow, anonymous celebrity experts step in as Aunt Fugly to offer advice to the less blessed among us — the lovelorn, the etiquettelorn, and just people who are generally… lorn.

This week’s Unnamed Expert is embarking upon a complicated divorce, calls herself “a LOVER who LOVES,” and says she looks forward to eating men for breakfast after years of being eaten for breakfast by a man.


Dear Aunt Fugly,

So, look. I’m not sure what else to do. I dated my boyfriend for a bunch of years. I made my ass awesome. I supported his fashion line. His acting attempts. I climbed a freaking MOUNTAIN for CHARITY. And STILL everyone says he slept around on me, and now we’ve broken up, and he’s supposedly hooking up with every unattached girl in town and I am trying to keep up by getting on the backs of people’s motorcycles in front of photographers and looking all happy, and shit, but people have kind of stopped caring about me already. And then my ex went and told a magazine I am the most special flower in the history of his garden, and now he wants to go out to dinner sometimes. What should I do? His mom  liked me. The tabloids said so.

Yours,

Out of Sync

Dear Sink,

This is the oldest story in el libre, chica — boy meets girl, boy and girl go away and marry other people, boy and girl get divorced from other people, boy and girl decide they are in love, boy marries girl, girl discovers boy keeps his cheekbones like that because he drinks the blood of innocents, boy sleeps in custom-made velvet lined box during daylight hours, girl installs deadbolts on bedroom door, boy shoots through them with a harpoon and then drains her twice a day for strength, girl puts up with it because people love to talk about their children and their Great Love until suddenly girl gets crazy-famous again and does not need him and can finally stop taking iron pills and … ay, wait, is that not your story? Then I do not care. I AM FREE, LOVER. FREEE!!!!! EL SABOR DE LIBERTAD ES DELICIOSO! It tastes like men who have a pulse! It is like I have been in the desert and now I can drink! So go find a motorcycle to get on and leave me alone.


Dear Aunt Fugly,

Here’s the deal: I am fucking awesome. I’m crazy rich, I do a ton of drugs, I sleep with a lot of girls who are way too young for me — usually at the same time — and people paid actual money to see me, like, have a mental breakdown on stage. I am your idol. So come over and have sex. Bring accessories. Especially if they are other people’s vaginas.

Winning,

The Winner

Dear Loser,

It is called ASK Aunt Fugly, stupidface. You have to ASK something. Like, maybe I will ASK you when the last time was that you took a shower, or ate something that was not flavored lube, or read something and understood the words. Pero, Mr. Tontobrain, unfortunately for you I do not care what your question would have been! HAHAH! TAKE THAT. My answer to your not-question is, “Awesome people do not spend all their time telling you they are so awesome.” Unless they are Kanye (is he single? Ay, dios mio, por favor let Kanye be single, puedo ver the HEADLINES, I am climaxing just THINKING about all the tweeting and the loverness!), or unless they are ME, because I am the World’s Most Beautiful Mammal, but that is not YO saying that, that is People saying that, so it is not un-awesome for me to say it because I am just REPEATING it, and ifit HAPPENS to remind you that you are dealing with somebody who is OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE, scumthigh, then that is not my fault. In short, Loserneck, I am SINGLE and I am HOT TO TROT and yet you still could not pay me to trot on your racetrack. Because I am TOO EXPENSIVE. Y tambien you are gross. Adios, non-lover.


Dear Aunt Fugly,

Nobody remembers me! I spent all those years being evil on TV and then I married a crazy douchebag and got a ton of really great plastic surgery and then everyone got upset so I went into hiding, and it turns out NOBODY CARES that I am not around much anymore. Like, what is that? Shouldn’t America NEED me?

Sincerely,

Meidi Fontag

Dear Maytag,

I need you! My washer, it is broken. And my dryer does not spin. Right now my staff is doing everything by hand in a big pot and then drying it on a washboard (why are there not places where you can go and wash your clothes in a big row of machines!!!), but they are so TIRED, Mr. Maytag, because we have so much laundry (you do not expect me to wear ONLY three outfits cada DIA, do you? HAHAHHAA) and so if you do not fix my washer I am going to sue you for not being nice to my servants (wait someone just told me there IS a laundry thingy but you have you use COINS and I have not used COINS since Marc made me play this silly little game called Quarters with a bottle of whiskey and I woke up  married!). But call before you come over. I might not be home. I might be at Kanye’s place!!!! VIVA LA LIBERTAD!!!!!!!

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Comments (30):

  1. AndersonicTK421
    0

    “scumthigh” – lol

  2. pidge
    0

    Ha! You win, Queen Freebird! I suspect the real Ms. Lopez isn’t half as funny as this, but who needs real when you have hilarious? Part of me wishes she reads this and has a giggle..

  3. Brigitte
    0

    “The tabloids told me so.” hahahahahahaha

  4. Kristin
    0

    I forgot how much I missed Aunt Fugly!!

    Seriously, this made my day.

  5. Damian
    0

    I laughed so hard at Dear Maytag that I spat my coffee all over my keyboard. Fug Girls, you owe me new office supplies.

  6. roser
    0

    Oh, I love it when Heather brings the J-Lo! Hilarious, Maytag and all. Here’s hoping Kanye calls…

  7. Kimberly
    0

    My life needs J.Lo/Ask Aunt Fugly CADA DIA. Por favor??

  8. Minutiae
    0

    “I AM FREE, LOVER. FREEE!!!!! EL SABOR DE LIBERTAD ES DELICIOSO! It tastes like men who have a pulse!”

    I am DYING over here. Can J-Lo be Aunt Fugly at least once a month?

  9. Faye
    0

    This is purely awesome. Almost as good as Rupert Murdoch getting hit by a custard pie/plate with shaving cream in the face.

  10. Alix
    0

    Amo Tia Fugita!

  11. Stefanie
    0

    OH how I wish Aunt Fugly was MY aunt IN REAL LIFE. She is amazing and I just want to be in her presence. I think she would be fun to watch True Blood with.

    And that part about eating something other than flavored lube = WINNING!

  12. C-No
    0

    “scumthigh” — love it!

  13. Shelby
    0

    I’ve been checking the site since I heard the news of her liberation waiting for something–turns out this was it. Totally worth the wait. Also, if Kanynifer (Jennye?) happens it is totally your fault for putting that out there in the universe. (SO THANKS IN ADVANCE.)

  14. Edith
    0

    My answer to your not-question is, “Awesome people do not spend all their time telling you they are so awesome.” Unless they are Kanye…

    Truer words were never spoken! Thank you, World’s Sexiest Mammal!

  15. INeedANap
    0

    So…if the first one is Jessica Biel…who are the other two?

  16. INeedANap
    0

    Scratch that….just read the sigs. D’oh! >.<

  17. yeahandalso
    0

    Even after everything she’s done to us I STILL like J. Lo enough that I think she can do better than Kanye. I do wish she would go back to being an actress though, and a good one like Mi Familia and The Cell and Out of Sight days…maybe we should get her an Intern George back together for a movie

  18. vandalfan
    0

    Besos, mi amigas!

  19. Amber
    0

    I love Aunt Fugly! And I love the JLo posts! This was a dream come true, really.

  20. InfamousQBert
    0

    i was JUST wondering about ms fontag this morning! y’all are psychic!

  21. Mrs. Julien
    0

    I love it that I had no idea who last letter was from until I saw the name. How appropriate!

  22. Lola
    0

    I love your J.Lo rants, but at times I dont know if I should be offend, or just allow myself to lol. I’ll choose to laugh because all I can picture is the J.Lo episode from South Park. Oh btw, its the oldest story in el libro not libre. Libro- book Libre- free ;)

  23. Chris
    0

    You know, I heard the news of THE DIVORCE and was wondering when Fug HQ would weigh in.

    On the bright side, at least the former Mrs. Anthony doesn’t have to worry about bendy straws ending up in her foot ever again.

    Also, KANYE/J.Lo needs to happen. FOR AMERICA. Jenny, if you’re reading this – MAKE IT HAPPEN.

  24. DB77
    0

    THE RETURN OF AUNT FUGLY! O how I have longed for you…and now you are here. Please don’t leave for so long again. I love you more than Intern George. You are better than Diet Coke. Please, please, please visit again. And again. And again. The world needs more of you.

  25. Maretha2
    0

    Love Aunt Fugly J.Lo!! Best thing I’ve read all day!

  26. Sajorina
    0

    This is the best thing I’ve read all year!!! Viva Aunt Fugly… ¡Que Viva!

    GFY Heather: YOU ARE MY HEROINE!!! Besos & Abrazos…

  27. Lady Satan
    0

    OK this made my morning! Thank you!

    Ditto to the other requests – please keep Aunt Fugly (featuring the LOVER who LOVES) as a regular feature.

    Still laughing ….

  28. Artist Formerly
    0

    OMFG. This is the best ever Aunt Fugly. Thanks so much girls, I love you. XOXO

  29. Terre Bowden
    0

    i fuckin’ LOVE you guys.

  30. Danat
    0

    This is a home run… in its entirety.