American Fugdol: The Final Chapter


“Hola, lovers! It is HERE! Finally! The finale of my telenovela, which is called Eight Thousand Million Weeks Just To Determine That There Is Nobody Better Than Yo! No more sitting next to a man whose hair used to be roadkill! No more taking Allegra just so I can sit next to The Big Dawg without allergies ruining my makeup! I can be FREEEEE, lovers! I can sparkle like the daytime sky which still has all the stars in it but you just can’t see them because they are GRACIOUS and they don’t STEAL THE SPOTLIGHT FROM THE OTHER THINGS MOTHER NATURE HAS BLESSED, AHEM, LADY LOOKATME. Also, lovers, I have for you a parting present. Ever wondered what it is like when a muchacha so very bonita makes out with a vampire? Si. You will now know. Behold a secret from my bedchamber. YOU ARE WELCOME.”

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Comments (23):

  1. Geemee
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    OMG the slideshow commentary KILLED me!! My stomach hurts from holding in the laughter here at my desk.

  2. Millie
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    You have outdone yourself whoever you are – I live for your JLo posts and these Idol stories ROCKED. “Where is his head?” ha ha ha Thank you!!!!!

  3. Julie
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    My GOD, there was so much quotable goodness in there that I couldn’t pick one.

  4. Minutiae
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    That these posts will be stopping for a while is the main reason I’m sad that AI won’t be back until January.

    Although I must say… I thought J.Lo’s dancing was FIERCE. As was Sheila E.

  5. RosieB
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    I practically choked when I saw “Dude Looks Like My Granny”. My god you gals are funny.

  6. Kate
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    as a fore mentioned, your commentary had me ROLLING!! And everytime I see a JLo post pop up in my newsfeed I can’t click on it fast enough! you guys have made my day:)

  7. Fuh Ugh
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    In addition to all of the aforementioned, my favorites were “Leggings McTunic” and absolutely everything in the JLo & Marc commentary – a masterpiece!

  8. ginnie
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    Seriously, how do you come up with this stuff?! It’s hilarious and dead on! My favorite was “Dude Looks Like My Granny”.

  9. Lynnie
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    Best. Lopez Idol post. Ever.

  10. The Other Molly
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    Bravo Heather!
    Bravo!

  11. Faye
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    This was line just made it for me:

    “he told me I was his type but it turned out to mean something different than I thought”

    Hee hee ;) .

    Also loved “as we say on the Block, pasion” for two reasons: 1) it made me think of Angel from Dexter and 2) I live in Baltimore, where “the Block” is a notorious downtown street filled with unsavory outlets for “pasion” :) .

    I will really miss this series!

  12. k
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    The spangly jumpsuit reminds me of something. Oh J.Lo, don’t forget where you came from!

  13. k
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  14. Kim
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    @k- it reminded me of Britney’s nude sparkly jumpsuit from a few years ago.

    Another masterpiece- You’ll have to stalk her so we can keep the Lopez posts coming.

  15. Chicklet
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    Every time I thought you couldn’t top yourself, there was another picture with even greater commentary. Keep drinking that Diet Coke, ladies!

  16. Cecily
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    So hilarious, thanks, Heather! We don’t watch American Idol, but turned on the TV for Modern Family and it was on AI. We were JUST IN TIME for her big number and I couldn’t WAIT to hear your take on it. When she shimmied violently in front of her Mark, fluffed her extensions and looked back at the camera, I was howling with laughter. She is too much and seems to be everywhere. And that gold jumpsuit, GAH!

  17. Jen
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    All I could think during Marc’s performance was, “I can’t wait to see what the Fug Girls are going to say about this!” Well, that and, “Is Lucy Ricardo about to run out with a giant orange feather fan and make all this make sense?”

  18. TonyG
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    My favorite line: “Light of El Dios coming from my lady church!” Bwahahahaha

  19. liz
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    Is anyone else suprised that J. Lo and Marc are still together?

  20. Sajorina
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    Sooooooooooooooooooooooo FUNNY!!!

  21. Molly
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    So, about how I have to change my pants now? Seriously. I don’t care if Lopez: It is MEEE! is not on for a while- there better be more Jenny coming up. Your JLo is priceless, and slightly addictive.

  22. Rebekah
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    I can’t believe AI is over. What will I do for laughs?!

    Also, gotta agree with a previous commenter– the dancing was fierce. They are quite cute together. Even if Marc is a vampire. ;)

  23. unwise
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    Many thanks for these posts! I adored them. I hope she comes back next year so we can have more like this!