ALMA Awards Fug: Eva Longoria-Parker

So, after it turned out that Eva Longoria had to cut her hair for her role on Desperate Housewives, I figured sooner or later we’d see her doing something a bit more stylish with it.

In fact, I rather like it now. And this dress isn’t bad, either — I think that’s actually a necklace laying over it, which in a weird way kind of works, especially because it’s way less Fun Ship Cruise than most of what Eva wears. Seriously, if she worked at Friday’s, she’d totally be that girl who not only managed to fit a thousand pieces of flair onto her uniform, but has a completely different batch for every weekday.

At the ALMA Awards, though, things went downhill from here. Jessica and I were just talking about how stupid this tradition is of having your awards-show host swap clothes every two seconds. The first big one I remember is when Sarah Jessica Parker hosted the MTV Movie Awards in 2000 and they made a huge deal out of the fact she wore 15 different things, and now, it’s just not a party if there aren’t double-digit costume changes. And since Eva L-P not only hosted the ALMA Awards but also served as
the executive producer, you’d think she’d at least procure herself a rack of AWESOME clothes to change into — but you’d be wrong.

I suppose it’s possible there was some great unifying theme, but I can’t for the life of me figure out what it might have been.
All of these say something different to me.

“Greetings, gentle viewers. Now, you might think bad things happen when you watch Sex and the City reruns while you’re high on NyQuil and potato vodka. But me, my sewing machine, and this bangin’ purse-dress beg to differ. I can fit a cell phone, a lip gloss, AND a snack in my boob pouch. Drink it in, QVC. I’m ready for you.”

“Um, could we speed this up? I have a Disney wedding to get to, and this dress turns back into a Pepto Bismol bottle at midnight.”

“My apologies, everyone. In order to borrow this dress from Joan Collins, I had to let her choke me for five minutes and then slap a martini glass out of my hand. It was all I could do to get this damn wig back on before my entrance.”

and gentlemen, thank you for coming tonight — in a moment, we’ll
hand out the final award of the night, but first I’d like to get out my harp and play
you a few selections from my forthcoming album, There Ought To Be Clowns: Eva Longoria-Parker Sings The Hits Of Judy Collins. Enjoy!”

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