(3) BAI LING vs. (11) JANET JACKSON
Moonwalking was always Janet’s brother Michael’s signature move. But I will never forget the giddiness I felt when I saw that Janet apparently has the wardrobe to go for an afternoon stroll on the ACTUAL moon.
She’d be a magnificent choice of celebrity for us to shoot into unknown star systems — she’ll fit RIGHT IN with our alien overlords.
Janet didn’t stop with this, though. Oh no. There is more:
Here, she is bidding her audience farewell, as she’s forsaken her singing career for a gig running Mars’s first Long John Silver’s franchise. Given her prior experience hostessing at a sushi emporium, I’m certain she’ll excel.
Janet’s opponent, Bai Ling, is no stranger to showmanship herself:
I wish they’d turn this into one of those faceless cardboard cutouts at the State Fair where you can stick your head through the hole and take a photo of yourself wearing this outfit.
Typical Bai. We all know what she’s capable of — I mean, in the last year, we’ve seen her wear everything from lopsided ball gowns to cocktail dresses with giant knee-bows to see-through yellow disco-ball frocks. But I didn’t know she was into CREATING, as well:
It seems Bai made this shirt herself in honor of this past summer’s Beijing Olympic games. We’re sure the host country profoundly appreciated a tribute made of old Hanes, a red sharpie, and some hair elastics. I know I do. Still, for someone whom I wouldn’t be entirely surprised to learn came from another planet, she’s never veered into spacesuit territory. Too few opportunities for boob exposure, methinks — plus, in this economy, how could our favorite questionably employed sprite afford all the fabric?
(2) GWYNETH PALTROW vs. (7) CHRISTINA AGUILERA
To borrow from that saucy minstrel Billy Joel, famed lover of uptown girls, Christina Aguilera has a way about her; I don’t know what it is, but I know that I can’t live without her.
There is probably not really anything wrong with this. On anyone else, maybe I wouldn’t even have noticed it. But this is Christina Aguilera we’re talking about, so her severe hair and makeup combo — I guess one way to shut up your pores is to suffocate them into an early death — find a way to camp up and maybe even tramp up any dress in the world. This girl does not understand the concept of moderation, which sometimes I love, but not when it looks like she stole someone’s prom dress.
She even stepped out in a semi-skankified version of a jumpsuit Carrie Underwood wore on stage:
The recipe for making me prefer a jumpsuit — a JUMPSUIT — to what you’re wearing: Just add to your high-waisted pants a fedora, a sawn-off jacket, and a bra that resembles the top half of an empathy belly. Voila!
And then there’s Gwyneth, who probably just got hives from the simple mention of her name in the same entry as C.Ag’s:
When she’s not busy trying to free herself from rogue holiday decorations, or wearing tiny, tiny cocktail minis, sometimes Gwynnie shakes it up with a jumpsuit:
Whether she means it or not, it’s all really just another way of making us stare at her crotch. The Christina Aguilera of about four years ago would be SO proud.