(6) PAULA ABDUL vs. (11) KATE HUDSON
Paula is one of those people who could go either way at any event. There’s a reason we included her in our book as someone who needed a Carefrontation. We were worried she was going to let the Crazy take over the Cute. Sometimes, of course, you can’t extricate one from the other:
That dress is cute, but WHAT IS UP WITH THE HAT AND GLOVES? I feel like you’ve left your sassy cane and tap shoes somewhere! I guess she is a choreographer…of crazy. I mean, come on:
That is a…whole lotta look. Although not nearly as much as her spangled Civil War ensemble (I’m not kidding. If you click only one link on the internet today, MAKE IT THAT ONE), her sparkly (kind of cute) Spiderman Formal, or this….I don’t even know what to call it. This glorious addition to the American Idol experience.
In fact, I think Paula might want to raid some of her competition’s closet. Can’t you totally see her in this?
Paula and I loooove the sequins. Kate, apparently, does too. As well as loving caftans, the caftan-adjacent, and — hey! — more sequins. Huh. Until writing this I didn’t realize that Kate Hudson is less boho and more Joan Collins. Do I have to love her now? Don’t answer that.
(3) KATIE HOLMES vs. (14) KATIE “JORDAN” PRICE
Oh, JOEY POTTER. Who would have thunk it, when you were just noodling around the Creek? And now look at you. A three seed in Fug Madness! I blame The Summer of Jeans. Or THIS:
Dude. Just…don’t. Also in the Don’t Files: this frighteningly geriatric pantsuit, this alarming display, and this generally awkward decision. I hear you, now, by the way. You’re saying, “Jessica. Who could beat this. KATIE HOLMES COULD WIN THIS WHOLE DANG THING.” Oh, really? In the face of THIS?
DO I NEED TO EVEN GIVE YOU MORE THAN THAT? Sure, she was promoting something, but STILL. And what was she promoting here? Belt Skirts? And what about here? Um…animal welfare via leggings? WHAT? Just make it stop.
(7) MARY-KATE OLSEN vs. (10) CARRIE UNDERWOOD
Oh, Mary-Kate. You adorable little pixie. I would have included you in this tournament solely on the strength of this:
It’s a bit harder to understand all that goes into Miss Underwood. Sometimes, she looks adorable. And sometimes she decides to wear something like this. Which was, I think, somehow related to this:
Oh HONEY. No. You owe your butt better than that. And you owe the rest of yourself better than this. Or selections herein. Girl, why are you dressing like you’re heading to the Soap Opera Digest Awards all the time? (No offense to SOD, of course — it’s a fine publication that Heather and I both enjoy. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN). It makes my head hurt. But does it make my head hurt worse than Mary-Kate’s Wide World Of Caftans? Hmm. Riddle me that. Because at least Mary-Kate is sort of…you know, FASHION-Y in her crazyness. You’ve got to give her points for that. Don’t you? Do you? Oh, just vote:
(2) LADY GAGA vs. (15) WHITNEY PORT
Can I be honest with you? This wacky pantslessness is so clearly just a cry for attention that I actually find it REALLY BORING. We get it. You don’t wear pants. It’s shocking. WHATEVER. Call me when you’re wearing, like, an Amish sun bonnet with hip waders or something. No pants? That’s junior varisity shockery, honestly. Is it fug? No doubt. It violates the number one rule around here: that one ought to be wearing pants. But it’s so obvious that I find it sort of tiresome.
Let’s talk about Whitney Port, instead.