Go Fug Yourself: Because Fugly Is The New Pretty

The Jane Austen Fug Club

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crazy layers,
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Oh, Maria Bello. THANK YOU for showing up in this, so that I can finally comment in a public space that The Jane Austen Book Club -- which I saw under duress on a plane -- made me want to stab myself in the throat with a plastic butter knife. But you were kind of good in it, and therefore probably saved my life, as well as the upholstery of one of Continental Airlines' coach class seats. Also, I think it goes without saying that we all owe you a debt for Coyote Ugly. Especially Tyra Banks. However, speaking of ugly...

[Photo: Splash]

I don't REALLY have to elaborate,do I?

Fug Peaks

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Okay, so back in the day, I was TOTALLY into Twin Peaks. Like, if there had been an internet then, I would have been the webmistress of Marry Me Agent Cooper.com or BOB Scares The Shit Out Of Me.net or something. I used to watch it every Thursday night with my dad (my mother was not into Twin Peaks, so she would go upstairs to read), and then when it was over, instead of going up to my room, I would have to follow him around the house while he locked up and then have him escort me to my room because I was so freaked out. And then, of course, it devolved into craziness the second season and my Dad and I spent a lot of time giving each other, "WTF is going on here?" looks. Which is exactly the look I just gave this picture of Lara "Donna Hayward" Flynn Boyle:

She looks totally fine -- if a bit like the maitre d' at a weird restaurant that thinks outfitting its female employees in long, hard-to-negotiate skirts is classy -- until you get to the shoes. Or lack thereof. Oh, LARA. You know better than to go baresy on the red carpet! It's not a beach party! It's a black-tie charity event! Put on some shoes, babe! Come on! I'm always rooting for you -- if not for your work in Twin Peaks, then because you are AWESOME in Wayne's World -- but even I can not come up with a good excuse for this one. Unless your shoes are INVISIBLE. YES. Yes, that must be it. Phew.

Fug or Fab: Jessica Biel

When I first saw this pic, my reaction was, "OH! Huh."

Like, I expected it to be either way worse OR way better than it actually is. Sure, her pants aren't properly hemmed, but it's more that this seems like it aimed for Avant Garde but instead accidentally made a pit stop at Sort of Weirdly Boring. Actually, I was thinking about this the other day, and I may have actually mentioned it here before, but: I feel like Jessica Biel has gotten wildly dull since she started dating JT. Not that she was like a fascinating creature before, but at least she seemed like a really nice, normal, super hot girl. And now she just seems BLAND. Is it possible that Timberlake is some kind of Man-Succubus, wicking the Interesting from the women he dates, in order to keep himself charismatic and relevant? But! Cameron Diaz didn't turn boring when they were dating (that I remember). Maybe she got a little weirdly rage-y, all beating up the paparazzi and whatnot, which did seem sort of out of character. And she did turn wildly hot once they broke up, but I always attributed that to Revenge Hotness Syndrome (you know, where you have a really bad break-up and you take all the residual emotion to the gym, with the result that you both sort of run it out of yourself, and you also look AWESOME when you run into your ex at the local bar/the Oscars, causing him/her to feel deep, life-altering and never-ending regret about letting you go, the likes of which will probably lead to several angry, sad novels and bitter songs). But maybe she was just getting back to her old self. I don't WANT to blame Justin for this. I really don't. And yet...

poll by twiigs.com

Cheetah Fugs

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True confessions: While I am aware of HOW the Cheetah Girls exist, I'm not entirely sure what their point is. Since we already have Miley Cyrus, her alter ego, and all those High School Musical kids, I don't feel like I need another Disney musical act trying to sell me, my unborn offspring, and my excitable nieces a bunch of specially branded pencil cases. They're the Egg Beaters of tween bands: nice try, but totally not the real thing.

Still, I have to give them props for trying to keep things interesting.

[Photo: WENN]

It takes moxie to dress up as Elvis Presley with an Amelia Earhart fetish. And correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Ferris Bueller wear a very similar sweatervest on his epic, ultimately non-fatal day off? Never mind that Adrienne Bailon is not actually TRYING to be in costume; the fact that she's wearing three-in-one is sort of impressive.

However, I am mildly concerned that this is a result of Adrienne going insane because she just realized she's been dating a Kardashian, thus prompting her to employ opaque goggles as a means of making it physically impossible to look at herself in the mirror. Or maybe she has Chace Crawford painted on the insides to soothe her when times get rough. Maybe Intern George should develop some of those for his loyalists. Some personalized Hug Goggles -- let's call them Hoggles -- would make a fortune in these trying times.

Happy Hallowfugs

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Allegedly, Rachel Bilson is wearing this because she went to a Halloween party in costume as a hippie. Which is a huge relief, because at first, I thought, "DEAR GOD NO. Rachel Bilson would never wear those pants SINCERELY unless she had gone blind."

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

I mean, right? But I suppose there's always a possibility that she's NOT in costume, and only drew on the tattoos as a cover for her real purpose: president of the "Dumpy Is Humpy" subcommittee at the Mischa Barton/Aubrey O'Day fan convention and group wedding. But since you never see her and any of her old O.C. co-stars together -- least of all Mischa -- I'm assuming the hippie explanation is the real one. That's a big "phew" all around.

Well Played, Nicole Richie

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Props to Nicole Richie. Fresh off an amusing role on Chuck, she showed up at this event looking like the proverbial million bucks:

[Photo: Splash News]

Of course, those million bucks only equal about 650,000 British pounds -- before tax -- so she probably shouldn't take the show overseas. But she's deeply hot nonetheless.

Fug the Cover: Paris Hilton

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Nylon

I have sincerely been enjoying the way every other magazine in the United States has decided that because November is the month in which we elect a new president (maybe you hadn't heard), their November covers will be SUPER PATRIOTIC, and they all must OUT PATRIOT each other! Red, white and blue! Babies waving flags! People jumping out of apple pies with baseballs in one hand and the Constitution in the other! If I ran a magazine, I think I would have Michael Phelps on the cover, holding a bald eagle, wearing a red, white and blue striped Speedo and the word "VOTE" written across his chest in Sharpie. (After all, you SHOULD vote. And what better way to insist upon it than using firm pecs as America's chalkboard? Exactly. How do I not have a magazine of my very own?) And yet somehow Nylon seems to think that the most effective way to get across their love of country is a shot of Paris Hilton in which her eyes appear drugged and unfocused and her extensions are all wonky. Sure, you could say that was a conscious choice, but I prefer not to be so cynical and decide it was just a very, very bad one, especially since Paris has actually been kind of vaguely amusing lately. Still, it seems sort of tragic to have a bedraggled-looking Paris on the cover of a magazine purporting to be all about things to love about the United States, while relegating Jon Stewart to just two tiny words there on the side. Get him and Colbert popping out of that apple pie, and you've got my $4.50, kids.

Mischa Barfug

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Okay. Tough love time:

I don't know if Mischa has fired her stylist or if her stylist is a crazy, raving bitchaholic, but someone needs to step in and fix this situation. I am not anti-bootie (or anti-booty) but those booties with that dress just look redonkulous and by "redonkulous," I mean INCREDIBLY UNFLATTERING. She looks like she was wearing them to the Herve Leger store with something else and has just stumbled out of the dressing room to show her friend this dress, at which point she would say, "Obviously, not with these shoes," and her friend would be all, "obviously." They are doing her legs no favors. NOT A ONE. Someone -- I don't know who, but it might be me if I run into her at Coffee Bean or something -- needs to take this girl aside and explain that clonky booties with a skin-tight bandage dress might look okay on some people, but 99.9997% of the rest of the universe need shoes that elongate our legs, especially when we're wearing something so unforgiving. Otherwise she just looks like she ends in a couple of tragic doorstops. JUST CALL MR LOUBOUTIN STAT.

Hello, Fugly

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So, riddle me this, readers:

When did Natalie Imbruglia turn into Carol Channing? And is it catching?

Fug Me Baby, One More Time.

Want to feel OLD? Apparently yesterday was the 10th anniversary of "...Baby One More Time." (And now you'll be humming that all day.) I know. I feel like it was only yesterday that I was prancing around my bedroom singing along into my hair brush. So, to celebrate, we were asked to write a piece for Britney's new official website about her iconic Catholic school girl look:

"The video also features a posse of dudes in neckties and Dockers, hilariously leaping, twirling, and pointing skyward, and yet NOBODY remembers that. Instead, with one glimpse of Brit's bare midriff between that crisp white shirt and her pleated skirt, a million Halloween costumes were born."

Let's be honest, girls: While I'm sure many of our readers only ever go out costumed as Marie Curie or Ruth Bader Ginsburg for Halloween (and, honestly, I would like to see pictures of both, because that sounds awesome), there are just as many of us who -- when faced with forty-five minutes after work to throw something cute together for a party -- have just shrugged and pulled out Ye Olde Plaide Skirte in a moment of laziness. After all, when you are not skanky of soul, occasionally it is amusing to be skanky of dress. Even if it is kind of...okay, not the most subtle look ever conceived. But in this time of carved pumpkins and mini candy bars, who knew we had so much to thank Britney for? Let's give the girl a little credit for giving the knee socks industry that much needed boost, after all.

If you so desire, you can read the rest of the piece here. Or not. Whatever. We'd never tell you what to do. Especially on a Friday.

Fug or Fab: Kate Bosworth

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While I was on a plane, which is usually -- I confess -- the only time I can force myself to wade through Vogue or Elle, I read an article in one of them about how designers are tripping over themselves to get to Kate Bosworth. It had something to do with her being all tiny and sample-sized yet hip and young and edgy, and unafraid to take risks, and how she exhales pixie dust and rainbows all over the world before sneezing gold. I don't know. It all felt a bit like a worthless puff piece to me, so I tuned most of it out, because let's face it: Other than 21, Kate Bosworth hasn't really done anything lately other than... wear clothes Which is nice work if you can get it, but talk to me when she makes Young Americans II: Slightly Older Americans for The CW, so we can find out if her brother-boyfriend was ACTUALLY related to her or not. Otherwise I'm bored.

But I will give her this: The article was right about her taking risks.

Part of me adores the workmanship and cute cut of this dress, which definitely does flatter her. But there is another big chunk of me that remembers Mr. Snuffleupagus fondly as my favorite Sesame Street character, and wonders WHY, GOD, WHY somebody would shoot him just to turn his pelt into a dress for Kate Bosworth. I don't care how many fluffy articles people write about how they'd die to clothe her -- I refuse to believe Snuffy intended to go out that way. Where's PETA when you need them? Muppets have feelings too, you know.

poll by twiigs.com

Fug The Cover: Nicole Kidman

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Sigh. I got spoiled, guys. When Nicole Kidman was pregnant, she looked so much more like her normal, pre-Botox, To Die For self and I guess I hoped it would stay that way. Because I am naive.

Look at her back in April, though:

Seriously, is that a FACIAL EXPRESSION I detect? Traces of actual movement in her brow? SMILE LINES? I thought she'd blitzed those off her face completely.

Compare that with the RoboKidman on the cover of this month's Australian In Style:

Continue reading Fug The Cover: Nicole Kidman.

Fugstore Cowboy

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I am shockingly bad at keeping Kelly Lynch and Kelly Preston differentiated in my head. Like, I know ON SIGHT which one of them was in Drugstore Cowboy and which one of them is married to John Travolta. Like, if I were a witness to a crime one of them committed and they were both in a police line-up, I would ROCK that line-up. But if, say, Lennie Brisco (RIP) sauntered up to my apartment door and asked me which of them, say, poisoned her hot au pair's fro-yo to punish her for seducing her husband, or whatever, I would be all, "uh, Kelly.....?" and Lennie would give me the eyebrow and be all, "a last name would help, lady," and I would be all, "I DON'T KNOOOW."

Which is why I'm going to do Kelly Lynch here a solid and just start telling people that I saw Kelly Preston out and about in a heavily beaded sack from the Mother of the Bride collection at Cost Plus World Markets. You're welcome, Kelly. But one day, I may want something from you in return. And these sort of favors don't come cheap. So start saving, sugar.

NYFug.com: 'Stylista' Wears Its Awfulness Well

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reality TV

Don't front. I know you watched Stylista last night. For one thing, it was on right after ANTM. For another, it was on right after ANTM. We watched it, too. And it was kind of AWESOME, in that way that things that are seriously wretched can still be super-entertaining:

"There are major problems, starting with Slowey herself. She and the producers strain to create a Devil Wears Prada air without a real devil and, possibly, without any real Prada; if they thought an airy vocal affectation would make Slowey look like an imperious but brilliant Wintour-in-training, they were sorely mistaken. For one thing, Anna's accent does not originate somewhere around the outer reaches of Upper Fakeola."

But there's SO MUCH MORE than just the phony accent. What's the deal with her walk? How does Joe Zee feel about scarves? Will we actually fly to New York just to stab one of the more annoying cast members? Read on to find out, and comment!

Superman Fugs

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KARL: Kate. PET. My hash-slinging waitress at a space diner. Tonight's blue-plate special is sass. SEASON IT.

KATE BOSWORTH: Oh, Karl, you are a scream.

KARL: You are the divine intergalactic crisping sleeve on my Hot Pocket. TOAST.

KATE: Hahaha! Magical. You are a delight.

KARL: The man in the moon needs a lover. Be his concubine. ROMP. He'll leave some green cheese on the dresser. Now stand back for a moment so I may contemplate whether I want popcorn.

KATE: Oh, like Jiffy-Pop? Yes! I'm actually following along with you!

KARL: Well stop, because if I saw you in an anti-gravity machine, my belts would start howling and I would demand roast beef. LAUNCH.

KATE: ... Yes, okay, I can work with that. Yes!

KARL: Now leave me unless your skirt dispenses toothpaste.

KATE: Yes! Wait, no. Shoot, I blew that.

The Jane Austen Fug Club

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Fug Peaks

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Fug or Fab: Jessica Biel

Cheetah Fugs

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Happy Hallowfugs

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Well Played, Nicole Richie

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Fug the Cover: Paris Hilton

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Mischa Barfug

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Hello, Fugly

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Fug Me Baby, One More Time.

Fug or Fab: Kate Bosworth

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Fug The Cover: Nicole Kidman

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Fugstore Cowboy

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NYFug.com: 'Stylista' Wears Its Awfulness Well

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Superman Fugs

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