Go Fug Yourself: Because Fugly Is The New Pretty

Fug Lovers

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I don't know if any of you have signed up for Gwyneth Paltrow's new lifestyle newsletters on her hideously named Web site, GOOP, but they are hilarious in ways that I do not think she intended them to be. They're all basically about how she is pretty sure she's really interesting and has a lot to teach -- Martha Stewart crossed with Oprah's Favorite Things, multiplied by that random friend you have who won't let you finish your stories before she tries to interrupt and one-up you with her more profound experiences. They come out every week, and tell us all about how to "nourish what is real" by eating non-dairy buckweat pancakes, staying slim (summary: do not eat anything white), clothing ourselves (save money by wearing your $1200 Louboutin shoes with a Topshop dress!), and buying "off the beaten track" kitchen stuff from... Williams-Sonoma.

The one about her wardrobe was the best, because it came with all these catalogue-style photographs of her wearing certain things and trying to do her best commercial poses, but usually it just looks like Gwynnie No. 1 is staring serenely down at Gwynnie No. 2, and pitying her slightly because No. 1 is wearing a YSL belt and tragique No. 2 is not. And yet, I ask you: Would you take wardrobe advice from a person who thought this looked good?

About the only tips I'd take from a person in this dress would be for quick stain-removal. Now if you'll excuse me, staring at her collarbone is making me want to go make a giant sandwich out of everything white that's in my kitchen.

Fug or Fab: Eva Green

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caftans,
green

Eva Green is one of those people who seems so interesting and dramatic and exotic that she can get away with wearing things that, say, Jessica Simpson could not. Like this:

On one hand, I am pretty sure the Endora wore this on Bewitched at least once. On the other hand, I LOVE Endora. She's so sarcastic, and also has such interesting caftans. But if you're not Agnes Moorehead, this kind of thing can be hard to pull off. Even for Eva Green.

poll by twiigs.com

Fugreek

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Oh, Spencer Grammer. I love Greek. I like you. I like you on Greek. I can not wait until the next season starts so we can find out if you ever get the nads to actually destroy that bitch Frannie once and for all! But what I do not like are these shorts:

They are very short. And the they are very ruffled. And sometimes, when Very Short shorts and Very Ruffled shorts love each other very much, they make a baby. And that baby is named These Short Ruffled Shorts Awkwardly Resemble A Skirt That's Being Eaten By Your Crotch. And girl, you are SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT.

Keeping Fug With The Kardashians

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dialogue,
polls

KOURTNEY: I can't believe you did this.

KIM: I KNOW, don't I look super hot in my matching shirt?

KOURTNEY: I TOLD you I was going to wear the short version of Rihanna's freaky caftan and you SWORE you were okay with that.

KIM: I was okay with it! I am! Because my green variation of it totally upstages yours, what with the giant sleeves and the cleavage, so I had to wear it. I win. What UP, sibling rivalry!

KOURTNEY: You totally lose, though.

KIM: No way, I win every time. I mean, I'm the one who was famous first.

KOURTNEY: You so do NOT win in that thing. Nobody who wears a shirt that's also part-poncho is a winner.

KIM: It's so sweet how jealous you are.

KOURTNEY: HA HA HA. Oh, that's the only amusing thing you've ever said. Now, scamper off and go back to making turquoise jewelry, or holding seances, or eating cheesecake in the kitchen with your two roommates, or whatever it is you do.

KIM: Wave my boobs in my hot NFL-player boyfriend's face until the tabloids ask me when he's proposing. That's what I do. And it's a full-time job.

KOURTNEY: Well, it's nice to know you finally have one.

poll by twiigs.com

Fug, Inc.

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Hilary Duff and I have been through a lot together. There was the time I saw her making out with Aaron Carter at a local bowling alley about six years ago, the subsequent and inexplicable fight over him with Lindsay Lohan, her excessive necklaces phase, the whole thing where she pretended she didn't have a neck at all, and of course that time she got the really obvious veneers and her lips couldn't close around them for a while and we all thought they were going to come for us in our sleep. Then finally, Hilary came out the other end with fairly normal hair and a healthy body weight, and I thought maybe the worst was behind us. But alas, I feel like even Hilary Duff herself can't explain this, nor does she seem interested in trying.

Judging by the way she's standing, maybe it's a very elaborate system of lumbar support. But I suspect it's just a strange decision. Her whole face is like, "I know. No, really. There is nothing you can say that I haven't already scribbled in my diary in red pen. I KNOW." In a way, though, it's very apt -- she's at a farewell party for TRL, and what better way to bid that crackfest a fond farewell than by making me stare at her for fifteen minutes trying to figure out if she's drunk?

I almost wonder if she's decided to pick up that feud with Lindsay again. They're sporting similar hair these days, and neither of them seem overly fond of lipstick that doesn't make them look frost-bitten. And this outfit feels like what you'd wear if you decided you had a pants allergy and your sensible mother burned your last pair of leggings, so you broke into Mood and stole a few yards of organza. Ergo, maybe Hilary will come out with a line of pointless sheer sheaths -- Witchy Stuff By Hilary Duff, or something -- that they can sell at Kitson for $300 next to all of Lindsay's dishevelled leggings, thus requiring some sort of retail cage-match to settle things once and for all.

poll by twiigs.com

The Fug Guru

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I've been chewing on this for a while -- along with other incredibly important matters such as the economy, and my dental health, and why I have so many damn crickets getting into my house -- and I've finally decided to take a stance: I reject Jessica Alba's bangs.

[Photo: INFDaily.com]

Don't you think they're too heavy and too long for her features? I'd never have pegged her for the type who'd allow herself to be dominated, yet here she is, ceding a third of her head to an aggressive hair curtain. You can barely see her face. Of course, it also doesn't help that she appears to be wearing an ornate Best In Show medallion from a Tudor-era competition between handmaidens, to see who can polish the King's jousting stick to the most blinding shine. It's like EVERYTHING is fighting with her for attention.

poll by twiigs.com

Fugsic Fugstinct

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bad hair,
dialogue

SHARON STONE: MELISSA GEORGE!

MELISSA GEORGE: Sharon Stone?

SHARON: Who else would I be?

MELISSA: Uh. No one. Just you! You're clearly yourself! That's a well-cut suit! I have to go now!

SHARON: Tell me who you thought I was, Little Miss Heidi Braids, before I decide to wear you as a hat.

MELISSA: That might be an improv -- I mean, never mind! What do you think of my dress?

SHARON: It's fine. I had a crayon that color once. Name names, kitten.

MELISSA: It's your hair, Sharon. There's something about it that...reminds me of Cojo. I'M SORRY. But he's LOVELY.

SHARON: Oh, is that all? That's totally what I was going for. TIME FOR THE BAR!

MELISSA: Always.

Well Played, Elizabeth Banks

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grey,
polls

I loved this dress when Mischa Barton wore it in different colors -- many moons ago, before she and her headbands and her unflattering tights recently conspired to chew up my heart, spit it out, and then pick their teeth with my aorta -- and I still rather like it here:

I'm a big fan of grey, although I wish Elizabeth would've resisted the urge to shove her hands in her pockets -- it sort of looks like she's smiling to create the illusion that everything's fine, while secretly rooting around for her pepper spray.

Actually, though... is it just me, or does she look kind of strange in this photo? And no, I am not saying there is anything wrong with her DNA. Obviously, Elizabeth Banks is gorgeous (and boy, is she ever not afraid to tell you that in interviews). But something about the coif and the way she's smiling kind of reminds me of.... okay, bear with me: Picture the end of Back to the Future, when Marty wakes up in 1985 again and -- SPOILER -- his whole family has changed for the better, and Lea Thompson comes swanning in after playing tennis in khaki pants and never breaking a sweat, and her Fortysomething Lady makeup makes her face look kind of plasticky and stiff, and her hairdo is all teased up at the top but flat to her head until it flips out again at the bottom, making her forehead look huge? That's where my mind goes when I look at Elizabeth in this picture. [I wanted to get a screen grab of Hygienic And Healthy-Livered Adult Lorraine, but of course, today is the only day in the history of DirecTV that nobody is showing that movie.] Somehow, Elizabeth's face just looks like a slightly altered version of itself. This of course has NOTHING to do with the clothes, and everything to do with the fact that I keep hoping Michael J. Fox found his way to 1985 again, and is currently doing something that will end in Crispin Glover and the dude who played Biff suddenly appearing in this photo.

poll by twiigs.com

Well Played: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen

Can we take a sec to talk about the Olsens?

Sure, M-K's boots are totally wack and that MIGHT be a poncho she's belted, and (despite my passionate love for vintage and vintage-y coats) I'm not entirely sure about Ashley's outerwear, but let's have some perspective. Remember this? Or this? Or OMG -- this? I'd say they're looking kind of awesome, in comparison. Awesome and healthy and happy. Sure, they're never going to wear Loubs that don't look maybe half a size too big, but let's be honest. It's...well, it's downright refreshing. They look pretty and interesting and...YES. YES. I KIND OF WANT TO READ THEIR BOOK. There. You got it out of me. Are you happy now? Are you?!

Fug the Cover: Mariah Carey

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Is it me, or does Mariah look a bit....tired here? Sure, the holidays are stressful, but I can't imagine Mimi lacks the wherewithal, in real life, to smack on some BeneTint. Sure, sure -- we're all glad to see her freshfaced, but isn't there a bit more acreage between "freshfaced and relaxed" and "somewhat worn out?" On the other hand, I kind of need to read that easy cookies recipe. If her holiday look is "somewhat knackered," I think mine may work out to be, "slightly bloated." Thanks, carbs!

NYFug.com: Jen, Brangelina, and the Ten Worst Celebrity Breakups

I've always said that it would be terrible to be a celebrity going through a break-up. Because when you shuffle to the market for ice cream and booze and you're standing there in the check-out line with dirty hair, and you look over at the tabs, YOU'RE ON THEM. Or -- even worse -- your EX is on them, and he's frolicking on the beach with that scrawny, underage bimbo he left you for. It would be enough to make you turn around and get another gallon of rum. Hence, this week's column on the Ten Worst Celebrity Break-Ups:

"4. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez: Remember the heyday of Bennifer 1.0, when a faux-tanned Ben made bum-massaging cameos in J.Lo's videos? And she went on Dateline to gush about how she loves to make Ben Shake and Bake chicken? And then the Enquirer claimed Affleck cheated with a bunch of Canadian strippers, the wedding was "postponed" at the last minute, and next thing you know, they were kaput? That was fun. Although probably not for them."

Go forth, read the rest, and add to the list in the comments, if you want -- someone has already pointed out that Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger was pretty bad, which is true. In our defense, we forgot Kim Basinger existed.

Tinsley Fugortimer

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red,
socialites

If you say so, Tinz:

If you want to revisit the 80s THIS badly, who am I to stand in your way? Go forth and watch The Cosby Show in your Where's The Beef? tee shirt, while playing with your Rubik's cube and wondering if your Cabbage Patch Kid and your Monchichi are plotting against you, if you want. You're already halfway there in this, considering that I literally owned this dress in a very small size, way back in 1984, and I often put it on my Barbie. I can't stop you. And, actually, that sounds kind of fun, so I'll be over at 8. I'll bring my Snoopy SnoCone machine!

Fug's Anatomy

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I feel like I ought to feel sorry for Melissa George. While I loved her on that short-lived show she did with John Stamos where they were both cat burglars or something, she otherwise has a tendency to take roles that are destined to be loathed and detested by the fan base of whatever show she's joining. Okay, maybe that's only happened once so far -- with Alias -- but the hate was LEGENDARY and I think it could very well happen again, now that she's joining Grey's Anatomy, although I feel like people are less on fire for Grey's than they used to be. I am. I blame Heigl. Anyway: Melissa George has been wildly derided on the internets for many things -- mostly because she played the girl who stole Vaughn away from Sydney (even though Sydney was dead), and I agree that role was a mistake all around. And, now, she's going to get it for this:

It DOES look cozy. But maybe she should have tried to be cozy in something that didn't make her look like she was wearing a clothing equivalent of a lumpy bowl of oatmeal.

Fug or Fab: Ali Larter

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Heroes,
purple

So, what do we think: elegantly unusual and romantic...

... or a somewhat overwrought, overstitched excuse to have a neck pillow stapled to her shoulder?

poll by twiigs.com

Fug Christmases

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Up until about two seconds ago, I was going to make this a Fug or Fab post. But then -- I don't know if it was the Jell-O cup I ate, the Cool Whip I put on top (I am apparently a slave to what Bob tells me during the product-placement scenes on The Biggest Loser), or the doorjamb I smacked my forehead into because I was so hopped up on chemical sweeteners that I forgot how to turn the corner into my hallway -- all of a sudden I decided that I really don't much care for what Miss Witherspoon is wearing:

Reese is a tiny, tiny person, which I can say with certainty based on first-hand experience with reading her IMDb page. She's under 5'2". So not only is this a lot more look than she usually sports, but it's REALLY a lot of look on her, full-stop. It's just sort of... messy and distracting, and cumbersome, and hell-bent on shoving her boobs into her armpits. The pattern on her chest reminds me of Alec Baldwin's crazy downy chest hair back when he had his shirt off all the time on Saturday Night Live and you would think to yourself, "Wait, why is Alec wearing a sweater under his shirt... oh, WAIT" -- although maybe that's the lemon-lime Jell-O talking? -- and I wouldn't be shocked at all if in ten seconds, she leaves to go perform a stirring castanets version of "Ave Maria" at a flamenco dancer's funeral. Which could be sort of fun, except for the mourning and the tragedy and all that. In fact, I have some big plastic maracas for my Wii; maybe she wants some accompaniment. We could go on tour. Jake Gyllenhaal could be our roadie, since I clearly need someone to set up the Wii, and once someone invents Accordion Hero we'd be completely unstoppable. UNSTOPPABLE.

poll by twiigs.com

Fug Lovers

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Fug or Fab: Eva Green

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Fugreek

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Keeping Fug With The Kardashians

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Fug, Inc.

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The Fug Guru

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Fugsic Fugstinct

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Well Played, Elizabeth Banks

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Well Played: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen

Fug the Cover: Mariah Carey

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NYFug.com: Jen, Brangelina, and the Ten Worst Celebrity Breakups

Tinsley Fugortimer

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Fug's Anatomy

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Fug or Fab: Ali Larter

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Fug Christmases

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